So it has been worse lately then it feels like it has ever been. At this point I would like to just live normal, but instead I’m a crazy, bingeing, all I think about is food, PHYSCO! Seriously food is all consuming in my brain. It’s gotten so bad that I will over eat fucking vegetables!! THAT’S BAD! Trust me people; it’s a low for me for sure! So I have been struggling for months but the last month has been the worst and I am at a point where I HAVE to get back on track or the smallest me I have ever seen will be bigger then she once was! That’s what happens to people, I have lived it once before myself. All the sweat and tears that it took to drop all this damn weight will be worth nothing because you will have to do it all over again if you don’t get control! Let me throw in a horrendous before photo in this one to remind myself what I can always go back to if I choose to be a weak ass (I picked one with my cute baby in it to soften the blow)…
These two girls are currently the same. Sure the one on the right is 80 lbs. lighter and has WAY cuter clothes now, but she is the same damn girl inside! It’s absolutely crazy to think that these two girls feel the same way about themselves!
Ok seriously something has got to give… I cannot keep struggling so badly. I already know that I WILL struggle my whole life with this because I’m an addict, but to have to struggle this bad for months and months is driving me crazy. I have the strength to make myself feel better, I just gotta fucking DO IT!!! So I have been trying to figure out what will help me get on track and make me feel overall better about myself…
1. Get my big, but no longer HUGE ass to the gym at least 4 days a week. If not 6 or 7 days. I know, I know, you need rest. Well I have been “resting” my big ass for months, and on top of that if I have a rest day I am more likely not to go back. It’s SO goddamn irritating, but a rest day gives me the opportunity to brainwash myself into thinking that I hate going to the gym, when in reality I really like going to the gym. Don’t get me wrong, I hate sweating and cardio and weights that are too heavy for my lazy body BUT I always, ALWAYS feel better when I walk out those doors after my work out!
2. I have discovered that even though I stay at home most days I have completely underestimated the power of a shower!! Ok, I’m not stinky people (maybe some days) but what I am saying is that getting ready everyday like I have to go out and about and possibly run into some hot guy from high school really helps my self-esteem. Know what else? Good self-esteem makes you feel better and helps you stay away from the cookie jar… SERIOUSLY it’s fucking rocket science right? Ok, not really, but I sure thought so!
3. I need to keep busy! I’m actually a highly busy person, and have a TON of shit to do, but as the cycle goes… No gym=over eating=low self-esteem= depression= nothing gets done=eat some more=lower self-esteem= GO FUCKING CRAZY!!! Get it? So step 1 of getting to the gym followed by step 2 will actually help with step 3! I have a huge list of things that need to be done around my house, they include fun things that I LOVE to do like decorating!! I am a photographer and I have NO photos on my wall. WTF? (WTF stands for WHAT THE FUCK for all my non 16 year old readers)
4. GET OUT!!! I am a STAY at home mom, and as I have written about in the past it’s tough and makes me fat!! I really gotta get my butt out the door and get some fresh air; my daughter sure could use it too!
5. Think positive… this one is TOUGH. I am a negative Nancy and have been that way since I can remember. It’s truly sad to say but I feel like if I think the bad and the bad happens then no disappointment. If I think bad and the good happens, HELL YEAH! Awesome way to live your life Nicole… seriously!! I really need to pat myself on the back sometimes! I have lost 80 lbs., that’s a BIG deal!! Could I have lost more in less time? Yes (here is Miss negative). The point I need to remember is that I DID it. Who gives a fuck how long it took, or how many times you failed… you got back up and fucking DID IT!! Wow, just writing that makes me feel like a bad ass!! Yea, I rock! I need to recognize the things I have done and be proud… Period.
All these things really don’t have shit to do with weight loss; they are about living a full life. Being negative about my body and even my photography (I’m a photographer y’all, some say I’m good, don’t ask me I’m too negative, but check it out and give me your money to take your pictures) is like shitting on myself! I seriously have a wonderful family and friends and a wonderful fucking life, so why sit and feel fat, ugly, and miserable about myself and waste it all away?
As I am writing this, I am focused. I am ready to tackle this head-on (possibly because all 5 steps have been accomplished already today *HAPPY DANCE*). I am done being crappy!! Now if only I could wake up with that mindset every day! So it continues…
