Back in the saddle... before I get too big to fit again!

Holy hell! It’s has been 7 months since I blogged last! I’m a total failure at this damn thing. So here is the deal… I’m still a food addict! WOW!! AMAZING! Go fucking figure right? Once an addict always an addict… ugh!!


So it has been worse lately then it feels like it has ever been. At this point I would like to just live normal, but instead I’m a crazy, bingeing, all I think about is food, PHYSCO! Seriously food is all consuming in my brain. It’s gotten so bad that I will over eat fucking vegetables!! THAT’S BAD! Trust me people; it’s a low for me for sure! So I have been struggling for months but the last month has been the worst and I am at a point where I HAVE to get back on track or the smallest me I have ever seen will be bigger then she once was! That’s what happens to people, I have lived it once before myself. All the sweat and tears that it took to drop all this damn weight will be worth nothing because you will have to do it all over again if you don’t get control! Let me throw in a horrendous before photo in this one to remind myself what I can always go back to if I choose to be a weak ass (I picked one with my cute baby in it to soften the blow)…

These two girls are currently the same. Sure the one on the right is 80 lbs. lighter and has WAY cuter clothes now, but she is the same damn girl inside! It’s absolutely crazy to think that these two girls feel the same way about themselves!


Ok seriously something has got to give… I cannot keep struggling so badly. I already know that I WILL struggle my whole life with this because I’m an addict, but to have to struggle this bad for months and months is driving me crazy. I have the strength to make myself feel better, I just gotta fucking DO IT!!! So I have been trying to figure out what will help me get on track and make me feel overall better about myself…


1. Get my big, but no longer HUGE ass to the gym at least 4 days a week. If not 6 or 7 days. I know, I know, you need rest. Well I have been “resting” my big ass for months, and on top of that if I have a rest day I am more likely not to go back. It’s SO goddamn irritating, but a rest day gives me the opportunity to brainwash myself into thinking that I hate going to the gym, when in reality I really like going to the gym. Don’t get me wrong, I hate sweating and cardio and weights that are too heavy for my lazy body BUT I always, ALWAYS feel better when I walk out those doors after my work out!


2. I have discovered that even though I stay at home most days I have completely underestimated the power of a shower!! Ok, I’m not stinky people (maybe some days) but what I am saying is that getting ready everyday like I have to go out and about and possibly run into some hot guy from high school really helps my self-esteem. Know what else? Good self-esteem makes you feel better and helps you stay away from the cookie jar… SERIOUSLY it’s fucking rocket science right? Ok, not really, but I sure thought so!


3. I need to keep busy! I’m actually a highly busy person, and have a TON of shit to do, but as the cycle goes… No gym=over eating=low self-esteem= depression= nothing gets done=eat some more=lower self-esteem= GO FUCKING CRAZY!!! Get it? So step 1 of getting to the gym followed by step 2 will actually help with step 3! I have a huge list of things that need to be done around my house, they include fun things that I LOVE to do like decorating!! I am a photographer and I have NO photos on my wall. WTF? (WTF stands for WHAT THE FUCK for all my non 16 year old readers)


4. GET OUT!!! I am a STAY at home mom, and as I have written about in the past it’s tough and makes me fat!! I really gotta get my butt out the door and get some fresh air; my daughter sure could use it too!


5. Think positive… this one is TOUGH. I am a negative Nancy and have been that way since I can remember. It’s truly sad to say but I feel like if I think the bad and the bad happens then no disappointment. If I think bad and the good happens, HELL YEAH! Awesome way to live your life Nicole… seriously!! I really need to pat myself on the back sometimes! I have lost 80 lbs., that’s a BIG deal!! Could I have lost more in less time? Yes (here is Miss negative). The point I need to remember is that I DID it. Who gives a fuck how long it took, or how many times you failed… you got back up and fucking DID IT!! Wow, just writing that makes me feel like a bad ass!! Yea, I rock! I need to recognize the things I have done and be proud… Period.


All these things really don’t have shit to do with weight loss; they are about living a full life. Being negative about my body and even my photography (I’m a photographer y’all, some say I’m good, don’t ask me I’m too negative, but check it out and give me your money to take your pictures) is like shitting on myself! I seriously have a wonderful family and friends and a wonderful fucking life, so why sit and feel fat, ugly, and miserable about myself and waste it all away?


As I am writing this, I am focused. I am ready to tackle this head-on (possibly because all 5 steps have been accomplished already today *HAPPY DANCE*). I am done being crappy!! Now if only I could wake up with that mindset every day! So it continues…

New house, New jeans!

Wowza… I’m awesome! It’s been what? Weeks since I blogged? Looks like almost a month! FAIL! But I have many good reasons (excuses) for this.

First of all I moved! Yes it’s true, no more yummy grandma food around to make me a fatty! The downfall to this is that I have no one else to blame now that I control the kitchen, that’s kinda lame! I also have no excuse for why I can’t work out during Leila’s nap. Before it was because “I’m too embarrassed to work out around People” even though I’m a gym member, and unlike most members of a gym I actually go more than once a month. I have this crazy phoebe of working out in front of people. I feel like all the skinny people are looking at me in disgust! It has gotten better now that I’m comfortable with the machines and such at the gym but I still picture the Hot guy at the gym staring at my jiggle ass while I run, (I don’t actually run, I’m not “one of those people” but run sounded better then elliptical. ). What I fear more than the random hot guys watching me at the gym are the fear of people I know watching me!! Oh it makes me freak out just thinking about it. I would never put on a workout video at home and do it while some one was home!! NO WAY! The one good thing that comes out of being paranoid about everyone staring at you while you work out is that I find myself busting my ass when people I know are there, OR the hot guy is eyeing me (which he really isn’t, I’m just too self-conscience to think he wouldn’t be staring at how big my ass. He is too busy checkin himself out in the mirrors and has no idea anyone else is even in the room)! I am not gonna be the fat chick that rides the stationary bike for 5 minutes and is done (I’m sooooo guilty of this by the way) I’m gonna be the fat chick that goes hard just because you are starting at her thinking she is weak because she is overweight! Some of my best work out are when the hot guy is at the gym or someone I know is in the same room.


Another thing that really gets me is that I have lost…. Drum roll….. 76 lbs. now, which is awesome but I still know I could be doing better if I wasn’t such a damn cheater, is that people that don’t know you or have never met you look at you as a chubby chick while all the people that know you are calling you skinny!! What the HELL! It’s so frustrating! Why? Because my little mind is confused! I’m feeling better and know I look damn good compared to my old self and everyone I know is giving me complements. My confidence is on the rise and then some douche bag at the bar flirts with you and tries to get in your pants and when he finds out he has no chance in hell he calls you a “chubby chic”!!!! F YOU DUDE! YOU’RE FAT TOO! NOT ONLY ARE YOU FAT BUT YOU’RE UGLY AND THAT’S WHY YOU HAD NO CHANCE IN HELL GETTING INTO MY PANTIES IN THE FIRST PLACE!! Ok… so maybe I have something I need to let go of from my past BUT SERIOUSLY!! So frustrating. All the new people I meet have NO idea that I’m a weight loss Rock star! I’m proud of that shit! I was a HUGE people, the world needs to know that I am and continue to have self-control (most of the time) and that I have put down the donut!! Maybe I should make a shirt with my fat face on it and have it say “You think I’m chubby now? F YOU! I’m a weight loss ROCKSTAR” … too much?

Ok, ok... I should care what people think, and for the most part I don’t, but I worked hard to be just a “chubby chic” and I want them to all know it damnit! Anyways… through the move and stress and unpacking (which there is no end in sight) I have managed to not gain weight while not being super strict and counting all calories that go in my mouth. I seriously don’t have time for that crap right now, BUT the good news is that I didn’t go crazy while not keep track of every bite. This is HUGE for a food addict! I had self-control while eating something that I normally would want to binge on! I don’t have that kind of self-control so I normally wouldn’t even touch the “naughty food” because I know once it goes in the whole cake is going in with it!

So all in all while I have been gone unpacking a sea of boxes full of pure crap and stressing about all the million things I have to do, things are going well in my weight loss journey. I have surpassed my goal jeans and am finally going to have to buy new jeans as I shrink because I no longer have my “I used to be fat, then I got thin, then I got fat again so I saved my jeans in hopes that I will get thin again” jeans! I haven’t been to the gym in a while and really miss it, and am eager to go back when I have the time and energy (more excuses) because this girl has 20 more lbs. to lose before she reaches her Ultimate goal!!

weekend Inspiration...

I don’t know about you all but the weekend is the worst time for me to stay on track! I always say “I’m gonna be so good this weekend” and then I fail HARD! It’s amazing how well I do during the week, being a good girl and going to the gym (well I was good this week anyways) and eating my veggies (yuck) and then comes the weekend and I throw all my good girl behavior out the window by indulging in yummy yummy food or drinking all my calories with delicious beers and cocktails! Must be the rebel in me and also the lush in me! After the weekend I end up where I started the week before, bloated, moody and CRAVING foods I shouldn’t be eating and not to mention the scale goes right back to where it was! It’s a viscous cycle SO I thought I would give myself and all of you a little inspiration to get through this weekend without being so damn rebellious!


Thanks to my friend Erin for being a brave soul and allowing me to share these before and after photographs with you! Erin is a sexy, smart, fabulous… did I mention sexy Lady!! Erin and I have a lot in common as we have noticed through our weight loss journeys. She too is a stay at home mom, she has an adorable young man she calls her son! We also went to high school together, yet not very close friends we have reunited through this damn social networking business we all call Facebook!


When I started this blog Erin was one of my inspirations for weight loss… she looks AMAZING and I know that I can get there too! I just had to ask if she would mind me sharing her story and pics with you all because she has been such an inspiration to me, that she might just inspire some of you as well (she better because she looks DAMN good and you would be crazy not to be inspired)!


So here is her before photographs…







Now I think that Erin has always been lovely and I LOVE her style as well, but I can only imagine how much she hates these photos, just as I hate mine!! But it’s always nice to see how far we have all come, and this lady has come far! How far? Let’s just say ROCKIN’ 115 lbs. far!!! Seriously how amazing is that!! Erin is a freakin rock star!!







She looks absolutely amazing these days, and if I do say so myself, she is GLOWING!! I have stalked her Facebook page and photos and I just love when people say things like “Ok… stop losing weight now!” it’s so awesome to see her accomplishment! I can’t wait until people call me a “Skinny Bitch”!


I know that Erin, like me, struggles daily. It’s a “one day at a time” sort of thing and it will always be that way as far as I’m concerned. Like any addict, I know that I will always have this problem, it’s just how well I stick to my guns. Speaking of guns… you should see my newly found muscles, I love them! I will be blogging about them, DON’T WORRY!


Erin is a HUGE inspiration to me (no pun intended) and I just want to say thank you again to her for letting me share these with all of you! Please feel free to leave comments for Erin on here so she can feel even more awesome then she already looks! Now all I need to do is print out her photos and paste them on my fridge… is that creepy? Ok maybe a little...

One of THOSE days...

Boy oh boy it’s been one of those days! One of those days when you have NO motivation, and your STARVING to death or at least you make yourself believe you are, even though you have enough stockpile on your ass and thighs to survive for at least a year… at least!! No motivation is the worst, and even though I got a few things done today, I just wanna lay in bed with my cookies and watch movies.

On days like these I always look for something to comfort me, and those things always lead me to the kitchen! I would kill… KILL… for a pizza right about now, but instead of committing murder I just downed an apple! An apple? What a pitiful replacement for a pizza! Mmmmm pizza….

Thank goodness for you all reading this blog and liking it (just had to correct my spelling, I wrote lick instead of like, go figure! Ice cream cones anyone?) because without you all I would of probably went crazy and ate everything I could find today, and even though the day is not over and there is plenty of time left for me to fuck up, I have confidence (which is rare these days) that I will succeed. So at least for now (it’s only been a week) this blog is holding me accountable, which was the original idea!

Random thought... The Kardashian’s are on my TV in the background and I would just like to say that Khloe Kardashian is gorgeous to me. I can’t stand when people call her the “fat” one… seriously? Her sisters are like the luckiest Skinny B’s in the world… who has bodies like that? And poor Khloe has to be compared to them ALL the time. Not to mention that TV adds weight, which means her skinny sisters are even skinnier in real life!! Khloe is freakin TALL, and a curvaceous hottie, and curvaceous is not a nice word for fat, it means you’re SEXY as hell! I sure as hell have issues with my weight BUT I have no issues with the curves I was given! I just needed to get that out because I HATE that we are all compared to someone else! Compare me to NO ONE, because I am a damn individual and that’s the way we were all made! Ok… I’m done… for now!!

Just hoping to get through this day and that tomorrow will be easier… I always find that after eating and doing whatever I want (such as going to the beach and pigging out) it takes three hard days of getting back on track to feel ok again. Out of those three days the 3rd always seems to be the hardest for me, and today just so happens to be my 3rd day back on track! I just need to breathe and focus on my goal!

Skittles under the bed

I’m sure glad we headed to the beach and I gained a million pounds back while indulging in yummy food. And for the record I tried to pay off the scale as previously mentioned but it of course HATES me and accepted no bribes! The scale is like that friend that will tell you when you have a booger in your nose in front of everyone with no discretion. No lies, no sugar coating (oh wouldn’t that be wonderful and delicious) just the straight up truth. It’s a love/hate relationship with the scale and I. I LOVE her when she tells me I’m a whole elephant lighter; I hate her when she tells me I had too much fun eating all weekend! Damn her… My guess is she is a skinny bitch just like the rest of them!


Now that I’m back to the reality of… well… reality I’m reminded of the everyday struggles I face during the week. I find the weekdays much easier than the weekend BUT I have one major pain in my butt during the week, my toddler! My day job title is Stay at home mom, and with that comes a lot and I mean A LOT of challenges for a chunky girl trying to get her sexy on. Here are just a couple…


Challenge #1… Having a toddler driving you crazy most hours of everyday! Don’t get me wrong people, I LOVE being a mom, and I LOVE my daughter even more, BUT that child is just like her momma (me) and let me tell you, I wouldn’t want to stay at home and babysit me (miss attitude) all day 7 days a week. I’m demanding, impatient, and have to have it MY way! My little princess has all of those attributes PLUS she is as adorable as they come (and boy is she lucky for that one)! So how is this a challenge for weight loss? Stress & emotion… two things that make me wanna eat donuts all day long!


Challenge #2… STAY AT HOME mom! Staying at home is one of the hardest things for me because even though there is plenty to keep me busy, like all the undies to fold, toys to put away, and soap operas to watch, there is still a kitchen right in my face! Kitchens make me hungry damnit!! AND Did I mention I currently live with my grandmother? YES that’s right, I have a grandma pantry and kitchen filled with delicious crap that sticks right to your thighs and feels so worth it at the moment of entry into my mouth! I swear EVERYTHINH the lady cooks is a million times better tasting then anything ever! It’s not fair, I’m doomed before I even get out of bed!


Challenge #3… I have No one to keep my accountable. I’m a food addict people! If you don’t have your eyes on me then I am probably shoving Cheetos in my mouth! And the “lady” known as grandma I live with does not count as a food referee, she would be the one dipping the Cheetos in chocolate before I shoved them in my mouth, so much for accountability! Do grandmas want us to be fat? No! They want us to be “happy”, enter the concept that food makes us happy. What a viscous cycle! However, Chris is pretty good at keeping me accountable, though not for the right reasons I’m sure. See he himself has a bit of a problem with the white stuff (sugar) so I think he only keeps me accountable because he doesn’t want to share his candy stash! The best accountability I have is my daughter, she is learning habits from me by watching my every move. She is the reason for many changes that need to be made, BUT I’m also still guilty of knowing when I hide under the bed with my skittles she can’t see me!


Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job I have ever hand, and that’s BEFORE the job of getting a sexy ass, add them together and I think “damn, I need to ask for a raise”… Of course I’m the financial advisor for the household so I don’t think that will be an issue!!

Sun, sand, and Self indulgence

Ok ok... first I have to say I was thrilled to see that so many of you liked my rambling and were looking forward to more posts, however I did mention that I hoped no one would really read it because I was a bit embarrassed. Now I’m taking that all back, yep I am! Why? Because now I’m realizing that you all liked it so much that I’m gonna have to be a good girl and keep writing this damn thing! I just added another unpaid job to my resume, personal entertainment/inspiration for all of you… geez what did I go and do?

Second, I apologized in advance in my first post about being a failure and that I too would fail at this blog and it only too me… what?... a day to fail! I haven’t posted in four days… FAIL! So much for “this is going to make me accountable by posting every few days if not daily” crap! Oops! My excuse is... if I can make an excuse? Which I can because it’s my blog and I get to do whatever I want! My excuse is that I have had a lot of photography work to do and money rules the world… and until you all start writing me checks or send me money via PayPal I have to get some “real” work done first! I can send you my PayPal user info if you want to donate!


Now that I have plugged PayPal for free let me give you an update. I’m currently typing this from my hotel room beach side with a belly full of Mo’s fish & chips, cold stone creamery, and to top it all of beer at my waist side! So I’m just wondering who was supposed to be holding me accountable again?? Answer: YOU!!!


When I put up my first post I got so many great comments! It inspired me to keep up the good work, so I headed to the gym and sweated my “balls” off, ate like a skinny bitch and was SO inspired to keep this all going. Enter the weekend… I decided that my “hubby” works so hard for all of us and it was going to be above 60 degrees (a.k.a. summer in Oregon) this weekend so I was taking our little family to the beach. Great idea, only problem is I have NO self-control these days, so if you put me in a situation where I have to make “good” decisions in restaurants and go work out while on a mini vacations it’s probably NEVER going to happen. Guess what… it didn’t happen!

I’m not sure why I correlate vacation and good times with eating and drinking. I know a lot of you can probably relate. Something about the sun out on my pasty Oregon skin just makes me want to eat ice cream cones and drink booze! Does Vitamin D give you the munchies or what? Of course I won’t blame just Vitamin D, I will also blame Vitamin “rain” as well. I think it’s got something to do with seasons? Yeah that must be it! Winter, spring, summer and fall… yummy! Oh I know what it is… I’m a food addict! Duh!

So now I’m feeling bloated and quality as hell, thinking maybe I can pay my scale off when I get home to lie to me!! See people… lost 70lbs and fail daily, just like I told you! Now I will sit and try to justify it by saying things like “I was on vacation” and “It was quality time with my family” and “blah blah bullshit bullshit”.


The one thing I have learned on this journey is to not give up! I may give up every few days, but I don’t give up on my journey! I always get back on track, whether I have a moment of failure or a week straight of failure, I always get back on. When I fail the little devil on my shoulder says “well that’s it you’re a failure, just give up and eat some cupcakes” at that moment I have to choose to smack that little bitch off my shoulder and know that just because I failed today doesn’t mean that I can’t have a brand new start tomorrow. Always make tomorrow your Monday! Confused? You shouldn’t be! You know exactly what I’m talking about… “I’m going to start on Monday” don’t pretend like you’re still confused. It’s like a requirement for going on a diet or starting a healthy life… “I’m going to start Monday”. So make every day you’re Monday, and when you fail on the very first day a.k.a. Monday (we have all done it) make the next day you’re Monday! BUT you can’t be a dumb ass and make everyday a Monday, which is NOT getting back on track, that’s just laying your lazy ass on the track which isn’t going to make your ass any smaller at all!! If bullshiting ourselves got us skinny this whole country would be toothpicks, so it obviously doesn’t work!

So as amazing of a time I have had with my favorite people in the world (my kids) on our mini vaca, and even having a success by getting in a swim suit and swimming with them, tomorrow is my Monday (it’s really Sunday but if you didn’t read the above or are still confused about what that means then just go have a cookie for me and forget about it) and I will continue to keep on truckin on the track of becoming a skinny bitch!

The Horrendous photos

Ok people... seriously I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack just thinking about posting my before photographs on here. I know all of you or most of you have seen me at this size anyway BUT it seems as time goes by our memory of my fat ass slowly goes away as I transform into a different me. AHHHHHH seriously I’m freaking out... ok here it is...




Here is me and my family in December of 2009 at the beach for my birthday!! This was 67.4 lbs. ago! SCARY!!! I have to say how sweet my "hubby" (not official married yet) is for staying with this chunky monkey! He never said a word about my weight, or what I ate and that means the world to me!! People KNOW when they are fat, they don't need to be told, and if told it brings on the emotional food cravings even more! Seriously if someone in your life is fat keep your FAT MOUTH SHUT! Change will only happen when they are ready, and being told your overweight when you already know only makes you ready to eat a whole damn bag of potato chips! DO YOU HEAR ME?




How nice to be such a fatty in our first family Christmas photo! Memories that will last forever in our heads as well as our photo albums. My hope is that my daughter is in complete denial that the fatty in the photo is her mom. "Mom! Who is this chubby chick with Dad and me?" That’s what I want to hear!! In order for that to happen I have to get thin and STAY that way so she has no idea that I was ever that size, and I will just tell her that my twin sister (insert name here) was around a lot, sadly she was in a horrible donut crushing accident and is no longer with us!!


I will NOT post these chub a bub photos without a recent one! No way in HELL are you going to remember last looking at me like that! I have worked too hard (yet not hard enough) to no longer look that way!





Her I am about 70lbs lighter with my gorgeous, did I mention GORGOUS family in May 2011! Wow so so so much better! Before and after photos really inspire me. There are day when I feel just as heavy as I was in 2009 and those are the days I gotta pull out these good old HORRINDOUS before photos and realize "Damn Girl you look good!"






I want to lose weight for some many reasons, one is being a skinny bitch, but another reason that means a lot to me is my "hubby". I think he is sexy, sweet, adorable, SEXY, and the most amazing man I have ever met! He deserves an attractive wife! So after I lose this weight and get some cosmetic surgery he should have something close to an attractive wife!! Ok... I'm kidding about the surgery, well kind of kidding, I will write about that later!!


I feel a lot of weight lifted off my ass for posting them and just getting it out of the way!! Whew! Now that I had to look at these photos of the fatty me I'm going to go to the gym and make some more magic happen!! And one more thing... I use the term Fat, fatty, chub etc. because I have EVERY right! If you are skinny or have always been skinny you better not say these words or I will kick your ass! I would also NEVER say those things to or about anyone else!!